JAMES MORSE

hopefully this can be a blog, a space where i can write sort of unfiltered thoughts and musings. i think today i’m longing to express something, but i have the sense, like i often do, that expression means promoting my ego. it’s a restless part of me that craves attention. it’s insatiable in the way it sort of demands affirmation and confirmation of my worth as a human being. i don’t think i’m alone in this. it seems that i live in a culture of young people longing for others to verify their existence through external ways. why do we do this?

why do we outsource our sense of worth?

i think when i do this, i become a shade of the person i have the potential to be. it’s my hope that by writing this confession down and getting it out of my head, maybe i can start to be free from it. when i share it with other people or speak it out loud, the impulse for attention feels so immature and i can see that it comes from a broken place, a place where i don’t want to stay. but where is it coming from? is it rooted in a childhood longing for affirmation from parents, siblings, family, friends, and peers? i think this is what therapy tells me. i don’t feel like i can blame others and be deterministic about my tendancies though.

where does nurture leave off and free will begin?

i spend a lot of my day longing for the time and space to think and do “creative” things. i have this impression that by doing so, i will be happy. yet, i have chosen a way of life, marriage and family, that requires me to have a steady job for regular income and spend most of my time with responsibilities at home. sure, this sounds like a burden to the modern man, which i’m well aware of, but i truly believe this is the opportunity for the most fundamental type of creativity in which i can participate -the creation and shaping of souls as they grow up. sometimes i get impatient with the process when it doesn’t seem as exciting as playing shows or selling art, but i need to continue to remind myself, through ways like this in writing, that my efforts and sacrifices aren’t in vain.

how can i actualize the creativity god has given me? can i be humble enough to admit that i am just one small painted stone tile in his grand mosaic?