JAMES MORSE

today’s the third day in a row that i’m writing in this blog, so i’d say that’s a success. i’ve been struggling today, though. it’s a lot of internal wrestling and acceptance of the thoughts and feelings i deal with on a daily basis. there’s a voice that tries to humiliate me and make me believe that because i have these base, gross intrusive thoughts, i should be ashamed of myself. i often struggle with the dissonance i observe in my behavior. on one hand, i can do incredibly beautiful, kind, creative, thoughtful things… and on the other hand, i can treat myself and others in such a deplorable fashion. i guess a big thing i need to realize is that i am not my thoughts. they are just intrusive thoughts that drive feelings if i let them. but if i interrupt the process, i can catch them before they send me into an uncontrollable spiral. i haven’t had one of those in awhile, so i’m really grateful, but mostly, when i experience anxiety and/or depression, i just find that i feel really tired. maybe that’s my body telling me that i need to rest and step away from whatever i’m doing for a little bit.

there is so much practical wisdom to be found in surrendering to the will of God in the moment, accepting the gift of the present opportunity to express free will in a certain way, that is, in accordance with the Divine.

this week has been a trial in many ways, but also beautiful in others. i have felt closer to my family, and i’ve reached out to them, but i know i have a long way to go in restoring the fullness of Connection with them as well as my friends. for whatever reason, i seem to have some kind of inaccessible barriers to full Connection with others. maybe this is an area for therapy.

in any event, those are my thoughts today. hopefully by writing them down, i can set them free.